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Police Complaint

1230 Views 16 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  golfr32golf
Just read this over on Detailing World and thought it was ace so thought you would like a giggle.

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public

A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant


Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

PC ???????
Community Beat Officer


Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department wit whom I am also in contact !!!
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1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Brilliant ;-)
HAHAHAHA, I used to work in Bodmin and my car got broken into there whilst at work. There is a suprisingly big drug problem there considering its tiny.
epic, but sadly true of most police forces these days.
Very funny
It is such a shame but it is so like what it is. I emailed it over to my uncle who is in the force and he replied saying how worry it is for him as its so so so true :shot:
Hi Andrew, I agree its such a shame as I still keep in touch with some good friends who are in the force. The question is.....'what is the solution as there is so much political red tape which prevents/hinders the officers from doing their job?'
Andrew the Police Complaint letter is great

(Think I have seen it before though)

Very good.
Yeah i saw it on detailing world but thought it was worth a post on here :)
Quality pomme. The force must be busy calibrating, recalibrating and checking their mobile speed cameras!
Is this complaint anything to do with this news story - it mentioned Par Docks too!

absolute class, i wanna buy this dude a pint. i know the majority of crime - drug dealing, prostitution, murder,arson, rape and racism arent high on the cops hitlist but please, somebody, for the love of god, please stop these 'youths' playing football. ha ha, AWESOME!!!
I actually know why the telephones are never answered at the police stations, its beacuse they are all out topping up their bonuses by standing on street corners taking a zero tolerance attitude towards prohibited vehicles in restricted areas.

Me being the kind sole i am, even though i had not realised my mistake, i actual decided to contribrute to said bonuses by accepting the £30 fine graciously and with out fuss whilst he took my finger prints.

If only this zero tolerance was passed on to all forms of crime then there would maybe catch these dole dossing tax dodging scum. This i suppose would not be a problem if the same kind officer would care to carry out his night shift stood at the top of my drive waiting for the kind criminal to steal my beloved and fine him aswell, said ciminal may think twice about stealing my motor or raping my dog if he was slapped with a £30 fine. But i doubt he pay up or go to court or even be chased up as he wont have the means to pay because he has had his lively hood stopped by the police man stood at the top of my drive stopping him stealing my car.
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Chorley Car Audio said:
absolute class, i wanna buy this dude a pint. i know the majority of crime - drug dealing, prostitution, murder,arson, rape and racism arent high on the cops hitlist but please, somebody, for the love of god, please stop these 'youths' playing football. ha ha, AWESOME!!!
chris has just described himself off to a tee here :aetsch::aetsch::aetsch::aetsch::aetsch::aetsch:
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