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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just a bit of fun guys,
if you have any good jokes feel free to post them. All welcome.

Just for a bit of fun, I searched the site looking for a jokes thread that I could rip a few jokes off for office banter... no luck.

So here goes with my few to add in.

"I bought my mother in law a pair of crotchless knickers
nothing sexual, just make it easier for her to ride her broomstick"

"Womans first thought when faced with a skidmark in a public toilet
" Ewe, thats digusting needs bleaching before I can use that "

Mans first thought when faced with a skidmark in a public toilet
" wonder if I can p*ss that off "
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Enfield Lock and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with London Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then Transport for London demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then Lee Valley Regional Park, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I could not build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many people of other nationalities I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CHAS Accredited contractors with Ark-building experience.

Then there is the Health and Safety Executive, something about fire extinguishers and I said we won't need them as there is going to be so much rain, then they spoke about the clearance of tons of animal waste and so they went on about everything not meeting their requirements including Mrs Noah's suitcase weighing more that 23kgs and that there could be a claim against someone, this is all too ridiculous!!!

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
JENNY CRAIG ~ FOR MEN
A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me' .
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31kgs that week. .. .
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. Lower your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off..

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ...

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Hull youngsters with large families to support.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Hull youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Hull pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I thank you im here all week!
 

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My mate reckons he always cries after sex, I thought you soft twat ………………………………
…
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…
…
Then I remembered, he is in prison….
 

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MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. Lower your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off..

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ...

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.
That made me laugh. Very funny.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.

5. Teaching Maths In 2012
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counseling will be available)

6. Teaching Maths 2118

à ÇáãÃ"Ìá ÊÈíÚ Íãæáå Ã"ÇÍäÉ ãä ÇáÎÃ"È ãä ÏæáÇÃ'. ÕÇÍÈ ÊßáÝÉ ÇáÇäÊÇÌ ãä> ÇáËãä. ãÇ! åæ ÇáÃ'ÈÍ áå¿
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
THE LODGER

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, ‘Do you shave?'

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
This is a favourite of mine

"A VW Mechanic dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says, 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the VW Mechanic sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but Congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a VW Mechanic?
Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'
The VW Mechanic is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'
That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter.

'We've added up your time sheets.'
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't
know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and
the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Senior Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my f**king fault."
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Last month at a National University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3) Gained weight
4) Talked excessively without making sense
5). Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
[sub]WOMEN DRIVERS...

Driving this morning on the M25 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new "R" doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn me, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Women Drivers!!!!!!![/sub]
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
WOMEN DRIVERS...

Driving this morning on the M25 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn me, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Women Drivers!!!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
lol

Funny pics!!!
New search required for me now!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Eight Words with two Meanings...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football with only three defenders.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
 
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