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Senior Member
3,732 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain,
they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road,
some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an
obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a
reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari
pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a
car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet
faced, leaf-eating N**i"

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because
they don't have wheel-chair access"

"If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the
air for 6 seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years"

"Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit

On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr
Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes
which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force
crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and
that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The
problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........" Hammond:"THAT bad
is it?" Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it
on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their
customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on
the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the
tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!" Hammond:"I
had a lot on: i was Doing 288 mph." Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a
lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids
are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a

"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be
on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's
like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be
shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close
up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you
like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to
stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so
here's one..." Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...
in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a

Of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous
wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

Senior Member
4,328 Posts
absolutely amazing, been in stitches for 5 mins :)

this one is so so good i theought it needed to be mentioned again:

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"
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